Sibling Financial Disparity: Parents Pay for Younger Sister's College

A reader expresses anger over a financial double standard regarding her younger sister's college education. While the reader worked and took out loans, her sister will be fully supported by their parents. The columnist explains that parents often evolve their parenting style and financial support based on improved circumstances and past reflections. The advice centers on addressing these feelings honestly to maintain family harmony.

A reader identifying as the oldest daughter of three siblings reached out to the For Love & Money column regarding a growing sense of injustice. She notes that while her family has always been tight-knit, her parents have significantly altered their parenting approach for her younger sister. The reader is 12 years older than her sister, creating a distinct generational gap in how they were raised.

The core of the conflict lies in differing financial expectations and support. The reader describes her own path to adulthood:

• She had to work while attending college.
• She took out loans to cover tuition and living expenses.
• She is currently still repaying student debt.

In contrast, her younger sister, who graduates high school this spring, is set to attend college entirely on her parents' dime. The parents have also exempted the sister from working, citing concerns that a job would distract from her grades. The reader notes that her father still works the same job he held 12 years ago, and her mother remains a stay-at-home parent, suggesting their financial situation hasn't drastically changed.

The columnist provides insight into why parents might adopt a different approach with a younger child. When asked about the disparity, a parent explained, "As a young parent, you think your kids aren't bothered or harmed by various external hardships. But as you get older, you see the impact, and so you become more protective of your younger child's emotional health, and that might look like too much grace."

This suggests the parents' actions may stem from reflection on the reader's past struggles. The columnist posits that the reader's difficult late teens and early 20s likely motivated the parents to ease her sister's entrée to adulthood. Additionally, families often experience improved financial stability over a decade. Parenting philosophies frequently align with a family's means; what was once viewed as a necessity for self-sufficiency may shift toward a value of stability and provision when funds allow.

The columnist advises that understanding the rationale does not negate the reader's hurt feelings. To prevent eventual conflict, the reader should address the issue constructively. Two distinct approaches are recommended based on her ultimate goals:

1. Requesting Financial Assistance
If the goal is to secure help with remaining debt, the conversation should be scheduled and serious. The focus must remain on current financial need rather than past grievances. The reader should avoid accusations of favoritism. A suggested script includes:

• Acknowledging the parents' ability to pay for the sister's tuition.
• Recalling the stress of her own college experience.
• Noting the family's improved financial position.
• Asking for help covering education costs.

2. Addressing Emotional Hurt
If the reader has accepted that she will not receive financial aid, she should address the hurt feelings as they arise. This does not require a formal meeting. Instead, she can use humor or casual comments to gently point out the inconsistency. The columnist suggests that families can handle the truth when they know their bond is strong, and addressing feelings prevents internal resentment.

Ultimately, the reader is encouraged to communicate her feelings rather than suppress them. Whether she chooses to pursue financial parity or simply wants to be heard, honesty is key to maintaining the relationship. The columnist emphasizes that loving families make allowances for one another's humanity and evolving circumstances. By addressing the disparity openly, the reader can move past the anger and preserve the tight-knit bond she values.