Moving for Love: A Cautionary Tale from California to Texas

Shortly after earning her Bachelor's degree, Hayley Folk made the decision to move from her California hometown to a suburb in northern Texas to be with a long-distance partner. While the move seemed like a good option to leave her hometown and deepen the relationship, she immediately struggled with the climate and culture. The humidity was a stark contrast to California's dry heat, and she found it difficult to build community in a conservative area where she did not fit in religiously or socially. Crucially, she was also coming to terms with her sexuality and found a lack of queer spaces.

After just six months, a trip back to California helped her realize she needed to leave both the state and the relationship, as her partner wanted country life while she dreamed of New York City. She eventually moved to New York, finding happiness and learning that she should never give up her own hopes and dreams for the sake of a relationship.

At 21 years old, Hayley Folk did what many confused graduates do: she moved to be with a partner. The decision surprised many people in her life, including her father, who raised his eyebrows at the choice to move for love. Folk had always dreamed of moving to New York to launch a writing career, but moving to Texas seemed like a practical option at the time. Her partner was living and working there, and she was eager to leave her California hometown.

Looking back, Folk admits she was leaning on a romanticized version of what the move would mean—a fresh start and a deepening of her long-distance relationship—rather than thinking about what she truly wanted for herself.

The reality of the move hit immediately upon arrival in northern Texas during a summer of intense humidity. Folk described the environment as a mid-summer nightmare, noting that stepping outside felt like entering a sauna, a sharp contrast to the dry heat she was used to in California. Despite her efforts to make the situation work and convince herself she would adjust, she struggled to find things to do in her new suburb. The quiet nights and weekends only fueled her daydreams about the endless activities available in New York City.

Finding community proved to be incredibly difficult. The Dallas suburb felt significantly more conservative than her California hometown, and many neighbors were avid churchgoers, while Folk is not religious. Additionally, as she was coming to terms with the fact that she liked women romantically, she struggled to find the kinds of queer spaces that were plentiful in larger cities and bluer states.

After just six months, Folk took a quick trip back to California to visit her father. Time away from Texas forced her to confront the truth: she could not stay. Throughout her time in the state, she had been daydreaming about living in New York City. Meanwhile, her partner wanted a life in the country, revealing a fundamental incompatibility. The Lone Star State helped bring these realizations to light.

Folk realized that if she stayed, she would continue to feel like a stranger in her own life. She decided she would rather take on the financial and emotional sunk cost of moving than remain in a place and relationship that did not suit her. By the time she left, she felt only happiness and excitement to return to California before eventually making her move to New York.

Almost a decade later, Folk reflects on the experience from her New York City apartment, where she has found her purpose and happiness. The biggest lesson she learned was the importance of never giving up her own hopes and dreams for the sake of a relationship. While moving for a partner can work for some people, she emphasizes the importance of making life decisions with one's own wants and needs in mind.

Leaving Texas turned out to be one of the best decisions she ever made, proving that prioritizing personal fulfillment is essential for long-term happiness.