Learning to Trust Your Gut: A Personal Reflection

For most of her life, the author doubted her decisions and consistently sought advice from others before making choices. This pattern of behavior extended from minor decisions, like ordering at restaurants, to major life choices such as relocating after returning from the Peace Corps. The writer describes this as an "addiction" to advice that prevented her from developing trust in her own judgment.

A pivotal example occurred in her 20s when she chose to move to San Francisco instead of Los Angeles based on polling others, despite her personal preference for LA. This decision resulted in housing struggles and job loss within a year, leaving her to wonder how different her life might have been had she trusted her instincts. The article also examines how this dependency affected her dating life, with friends even writing text messages for her to send to potential partners. Through this reflection, she learned that advice works best from those who have actually experienced similar situations.

The writer ultimately concludes that while curiosity and questioning are valuable, true growth comes from looking inward and making independent choices. She acknowledges that many people, regardless of good intentions, offer advice based on their limited perspectives and personal concepts. The piece ends with a resolution to trust her own judgment, recognizing that making mistakes and learning from them is the only genuine path to personal development and self-trust.

For most of her life, Elana Rabinowitz doubted her decisions and often asked others for advice. She describes a compulsive need to poll people, phone friends, and even ask strangers for their opinions on matters both significant and trivial. This behavior became so habitual that she admits feeling "one step away from asking a Magic 8 Ball" about life's uncertainties.

The author explains that she would do "anything to have others weigh in on decisions" in an attempt to lighten her mental load. This dependency manifested in everyday situations, such as asking waiters for their favorite dishes and ordering whatever they recommended, despite knowing that taste preferences are deeply personal and rarely align perfectly. She notes that this approach "rarely pans out," yet she continued the pattern for years.

Her approach to dining exemplifies a broader issue: "I always do this as if a stranger's taste will be in line with mine. Worst yet, I usually order it." This small example illustrates a larger pattern of deferring personal judgment to others, even when the outcome is consistently disappointing. The author recognizes that this habit prevented her from developing confidence in her own preferences and decision-making abilities.

One of the most consequential examples of the author's reliance on external advice occurred during her 20s, following her return from the Peace Corps. She had decided to move to California but found herself torn between living in San Francisco or Los Angeles. Despite feeling drawn to LA, she "did what I always did" and polled "lots of people" about her choice.

Based on the feedback she received, she moved to San Francisco during the dot.com boom. However, this decision led to significant challenges: she spent the majority of her time searching for housing and, despite briefly working for what she describes as "a cool company," she lost her job within a year. The author reflects that had she trusted her gut, she could have chosen sunshine, easier housing, and proximity to her best friend in Los Angeles.

This experience taught her a valuable lesson about the cost of ignoring one's instincts. She writes, "Who knows how differently my life would have turned out if I trusted my instinct." The regret stems not from making a wrong choice, but from making a choice that wasn't truly her own. She believes that most people actually know what they want to do but are simply afraid to trust themselves, allowing fear to override intuition.

Breaking the cycle of seeking external validation has proven difficult, particularly because friends have become so accustomed to providing guidance that they continue offering it even when asked to stop. This dynamic has been especially problematic in the author's dating life, where friends have gone so far as to write text messages for her to send to potential suitors.

While acknowledging that this behavior "comes from a good place," the author realized she no longer wants advice from people "who are removed from the experiences." She learned that guidance works best when it comes from those who have actually navigated similar situations. For example, rather than consulting married friends about her love life, she would prefer to ask "the girl in my building who met her husband on Hinge later in life."

This insight extends to giving advice as well. When the author began finding success as a writer, many people sought her tips. However, when she shared the reality of her journey—taking classes and demonstrating tenacity—they ignored her response. She explains, "It wasn't advice they were after, but a quick way in." This experience reinforced her understanding that genuine advice requires work and commitment, not just words.

The author has come to understand that "advice is more than a word; it is an anthem, and it usually isn't easy to heed." While curiosity and questioning remain essential for expanding one's perspective, she recognizes that sometimes the most important answers come from looking inward. She now understands that many people, regardless of their intentions, operate from limited perspectives and offer advice based on their own self-concept.

She offers a compelling analogy: "Did you ever get your hair cut by someone with horrible hair, or a doctor who smokes? Maybe they aren't the best ones to entrust yourself to." This illustrates the importance of evaluating the source of advice, not just the advice itself. The author questions why it took so long to recognize and release her "advice addiction," but finds clarity in the realization that she is "more than capable of making my own informed decisions."

Most importantly, she has embraced the value of making mistakes: "Even if I'm wrong, I know I can learn from my own mistakes. In fact, I am dying to. That is the only true way to learn anything." She expresses regret that this realization came so late, but has reached a resolution. While she may still ask for opinions on minor matters like clothing or book recommendations, for significant decisions, she concludes: "Well, I think I got it from here."